Steve Brownlee
I wanted to look at some light-hearted or humorous story to start off this week’s Armchair Quarterback, and after scanning a list of AP stories, I thought I found it:
Elon Musk will, after all, spend his agreed-upon price of $44 billion to buy Twitter.
Geez, I don’t know if I’d pay more than $40 billion.
But that’s not as humorous a story in itself as much as my thinking that I would ever swim in that kind of money.
Instead, a “real” sports story from Monday afternoon struck me as funny:
The county prosecutor in Cleveland has opened an investigation into a walleye tournament with some “fishy” things going on.
It seems there’s video on Twitter — not yet Elon Musk’s personal property — showing the tournament director for the Lake Erie Walleye Trail cutting open the winning catch on Friday and finding lead weights and prepared fish filets inside.
OK, I can see the lead weights, but fish filets — eat those for dinner! Instead, put some dog food or cat food inside the unnaturally heavy fish, why dontcha?
Now Ohio Department of Natural Resources officers are gathering evidence for the local prosecutor.
“I take all crime seriously, including attempted felony theft at a fishing tournament,” Cuyahoga County Prosecutor Michael O’Malley is quoted as saying. “These individuals will be held accountable.”
So I guess making bad NFL picks isn’t such a crime compared to what these dufuses were up to (I had to look that word up online a couple different ways to even get close to spelling it the right way):
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Today, 8:15 p.m.
Indianapolis at Denver — Two teams on a downward spiral, and I hear that Denver’s dynamic running back Javonte Williams is out for the season. But I also heard that Indy’s top back Jonathan Taylor is dinged up. Just to make it easy, I’ll simply go for the home team. Broncos, 24-17.
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Sunday, 9:30 a.m.
New York Giants at Green Bay — Something tells me a veteran team will better handle all the changes to routine when making a trip across the pond and playing at quite an odd time.
Don’t forget to set your alarm! Packers, 33-23.
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Sunday, 1 p.m.
Pittsburgh at Buffalo — Buffalo has played two bad first halves in a row, so I see an emphasis on getting off to a fast start. Bills, 34-20.
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Los Angeles Chargers at Cleveland — You’ve always got to be wary when a West Coast team is playing what is to them a 10 a.m. game across the country. But I just think this L.A. team is too much for a town now best known for its crooked fishing tournaments. Chargers, 27-24.
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Houston at Jacksonville — The Texans aren’t getting blown out, evidenced by their only being outscored by 20 points despite a paltry 0-3-1 record, the worst in the NFL. But they aren’t winning, either. Jaguars, 26-22.
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Chicago at Minnesota — Walking in Army boots is fine when it’s muddy in the woods, but not when you’re running on someone’s lawn next to world-class athletes wearing whatever the latest in UnderArmour and Nike athletic wear is. That’s the Bears wearing the boots, by the way. Vikings, 30-17.
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Detroit at New England — They better watch out or they’re going to change the name of the team to “Etroit” Lions
It’s too bad as the 1-3 Lions have the No. 1 scoring offense in the league — 11 points better than even Kansas City — but are 32nd in points allowed, a whopping 26 points worse than all others.
Looking at it more closely, eight NFL teams have given up less than half as many points as “Etroit”s 141, and a couple of others are half a point away from that distinction.
If anyone can take advantage of a team like this, I would think it’s Bill Belichick in New England. Patriots, 34-28.
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Seattle at New Orleans — I’ll buy the Kool-Aid after Seattle came to Detroit and won, considering the mess the Saints look to be in. Seahawks, 28-24.
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Miami at New York Jets — This New York outfit has been up and down, while the Dolphins look down with Tua Tagovailoa still out with his concussion(s). Jets, 23-19.
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Atlanta at Tampa Bay — I have to say I’m more impressed with Tampa’s 10-point loss to KC on Sunday than I am with the Falcons’ 3-point win against Cleveland. Buccaneers, 21-17.
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Tennessee at Washington — Despite Houston having the worst record in the league, I’d put the 1-3 Commanders atop my list of the worst actual teams. Titans, 27-19.
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Sunday, 4 p.m.
San Francisco at Carolina — Trap game alert! On paper, the 49ers are SO far ahead of Carolina, but whenever Baker Mayfield gets backed in a corner, he seems to play his best. However, San Fran’s ball-control game might work here, even coming off a short week on the road. 49ers, 23-16.
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Philadelphia at Arizona — It’s a battle of running quarterbacks. The difference is that while Cardinals QB Kyler Murray runs for his life in the backfield, Philly’s Jalen Hurts runs through and around D-linemen and linebackers for massive gains downfield. Eagles, 37-24.
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Dallas at Los Angeles Rams — Apparently the Rams were exposed Monday night as having no weapons and no offensive line. Cowboys, 28-18.
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Sunday, 8:20 p.m.
Cincinnati at Baltimore — I will agree that Lamar Jackson is the most dynamic, really the best QB in the league right now. But with only Detroit keeping the Ravens’ defense from doing total bottom dwelling, Cincy’s Joe Burrow might stay upright this time around. Bengals, 32-27.
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Monday, 8:15 p.m.
Las Vegas at Kansas City — Not betting against the No. 2 offense against any kind of Raiders defense. Chiefs, 33-26.
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Last week — 11-5, 69 percent (first winning week this season). Season — 32-31-1, 51 percent.
Steve Brownlee can be reached at 906-228-2500, ext. 252. His email address is sbrownlee@miningjournal.net.